...suffer not the children to come unto me...

Motherhood. I feel far from an expert in this area because I seem to fail at being what I want to be for my kids. It has been a struggle for me since the beginning of my journey. On the Mother's day before my first child was conceived, I remember crying at the alter at church. Newlywed, and now, only two months in, begging God for a child of my own. I remember the message that morning was from 1 Samuel 1, the story of Hannah. I identified with her for some reason, and I felt so ready, feeling that if God would just bless me with a child, I would dedicate it to His service. This was the prayer I prayed that day. I put myself in Hannah's shoes. I remember crying and moaning that morning at the alter, and then walking away with peace. A little over a year later my daughter was born. I was so overwhelmed at that point with a sense of responsibility. My life was still a train wreck, as far as a christian walk goes, and I was not what you would call 'mommy material'. I spent my whole youth wrapped up in simple pleasures. I never considered the fact that I would one day grow up, have children, and be responsible for running a household. Where was I when other girls were learning to cook, clean, sew, iron, launder clothes, and change diapers? I cut that class in life. I was running the streets, a heathen child with no discipline or direction. I found myself totally unprepared when Hannah came. The only thing I knew was that I had asked God for her, and now I was responsible for the vow I had made to Him. Oh she was so precious, though. So tiny and helpless, I began to feel completely inadequate. God had to remind me daily of my vow. I became more and more disciplined, so that one day she could be all that He called her to be. I taught her everything I knew about being a christian. I became more proficient at housework(although I still don't sew, or iron for that matter), to the point that I could keep the house clean and have dinner cooked by the time my husband got off of work. Our life with her was working out great, and we were getting off on the right foot, or so it seemed. Enter baby number two. My son had arrived. Just an absolute joy. He wasn't fussy or disagreeable, he just fell right in to our family as if he was always there. I was a little overwhelmed with two, but I got the hang of it...Why not go for three? Another boy, and more joy. Everyone was getting along, and life was good. Of course it wasn't perfect, and my lack of home economics was beginning to show more and more. That could be overlooked, however, and we went about our days living for God, and teaching the children His ways. Baby number four...a girl. All the children had been wanted, prayed for, and God had sent them from heaven healthy, smart, and well behaved. Had it been any other way, He knew we would have been in completely over our heads. So here I am, a mother of four, and needless to say, it has been a long and difficult twelve years. The more the family has grown, the more stretched I am, and the more there is to do. I want to say that I have it all under control, that my bathrooms are sparkling, and the laundry is always neatly folded and put away. That is just not the case here. I want to say that we bake together every afternoon, and never miss a family night of board games. I want to say those things, but the truth of it is, I AM NOT A PERFECT MOTHER. There I said it. My house is always only 60% clean, I yell(a lot), and I do not have time for myself. All this is part of motherhood. I am stressed out, tired, I haven't had a manicure in years. My iron is low, my energy is almost nonexistent, and sleep is the only rest I get. All that being said, I wouldn't trade one child, or one moment with them. They are my everything, and I have resigned my life to my vow. Lord, they will know You through me. I will make sure your word is hidden in their hearts. I will teach them your ways, and I will keep them on your path as long as I possibly can. I know you will keep them after that, and I trust You, Lord, just as you first trusted me with them. Thank you for the blessing of motherhood. It has been my most fulfilling gift so far.