...while we were yet sinners....

As a child, I am not quite sure what I expected for my life to become. It has all become such a blur, it has passed so quickly. There are a few memories I can pull out from my past, but the sad part is that I was so ignorant of the fact that we were poor, and that my home was quite dysfunctional. The vivid memories I do have were marked by some gross abuse, and a cloud of tragedy that had hung over my family starting in the first year of my life.

My parents tried to stay together, to work through what, for one of them was slowly eating away all sense of purpose. This problem soon had a name I would come to despise...alcoholism. As it grew and grew, the fact that my parents were not happy together became more apparent. There was no time for me, or my siblings, there was only time for work and alcohol. Work for one parent, and alcohol for the other.

So, I was left to my own devices, never really trained up in the ways of anything, taught and influenced by my peers. Many of them were in worse situations and homes than I was, so we were all blind with no leadership or guidance. This is not to disparage my one responsible parent, who did everything to provide as an eventually single parent of three. There was no time for raising us, when several jobs were required to just feed us.

My early teen years were perhaps my happiest. Good friends, freedom, and a purity of youth all stand out as memories then. I was not a child who was devoted to anything, although I could have excelled at much. The potential was definitely there to be a dancer, an athlete, a scholar, an artist. I never had the drive or determination to push my self in any of those areas. So, I faded into the average, no different from most of the other children.

When I began to face choices in life that were all my own, not much thought was given to consequences. Everything was okay when there was no one there watching or guiding. There was not any sense of right or wrong, just the pleasure of knowing I was in control of what I said, what I did, and where I went. This, of course led me down a wide path of self-destruction. I was left to my own devices, and it put me right in the middle of a horrible place.

By the time I was 17, I was drug addicted. There was not anything I would not do to get my next fix. My days were filled chasing after a high that was always satisfying but never lasting. It was always deceiving me into believing that this was best life, that my friends were loyal till the end, and that it could be stopped if I ever grew weary of the game.

The situations I placed myself and others in to achieve my highs are so shameful to me that I cannot discuss them. No one knows about most of the nights I spent alone, desperate, looking for love, affection, and the next chance to lose myself in a drug induced haze. My honesty may be shocking to some people in my life now, but if I don't tell my story, who will? No one knows it like I do.

By the time I came to my senses about what I had become, the damage had been done. Relationships destroyed, friendships lost, and no hope for my future. I had dropped out of school, was homeless, and couldn't hold down a job to support myself. I had not developed any life skills that would  benefit me in any way. I did not know how to manage money, work hard, or dedicate myself to any sort of discipline. I was a total and complete loser in the game of life.