...He gives, and He takes away....

Heartbreak. I thought as a teenager I experienced it over and over. I could sit and wail and cry for hours over broken promises and rejection. I was really wasting my time and my tears. I have only really experienced it on that level once in my life. I was living in Meridian, MS, and loving my life. Being newly pregnant with number four, and homeschooling my other three, my life was very nice. We still struggled a lot, but contentment can really drown that pain out.On this particular day, I set out to pick up my car at the shop, and as I returned home, gathered the children, and rushed to the restroom. I have thought about how I can soften the the things I am about to share, but I can't, so, let me warn you, this will be candid and graphic(this is for the purpose of sharing my emotions, so please bear with me). I barely have time to sit on the toilet, when something is literally forced from my body. It was nothing like I had ever felt before, and as I looked down, I saw the bloodstains. I stood up, and almost as if in slow motion, I turned and stared at the toilet in horror. It was soaked in blood. It was everywhere. My knees became weak, my face crumbled, and I just began to scream. I was literally a madwoman. My other children were outside the bathroom door. I could hear them in the distance calling me, trying to get in, crying out of fear. I don't know how long I was there on the floor, but I remember my anger. I took the entire situation and placed the blame squarely on God. I was screaming at Him about the child. I WANTED THIS!!!, WHY WAS IT TAKEN FROM ME!?!, DID YOU EVER CONSIDER MY FEELINGS!?! These were things that I was actually voicing in all my emotion. After almost an hour, I was empty, a shell of a woman. My children were now all seated outside the door, not knowing what had happened, or how to help their mom. I quietly asked for my phone, and it was slid under the door for me. I called my husband, my brother, my mother. She came right away. I know that it was so hard for her, but she cleaned the mess, saved the tiny fetus, and put it in a plastic ziploc bag(again, I apologize for the graphic details). She called a friend of the family to watch the children, and led me to the car. On the drive to the hospital, I held the remains in disbelief, and was so numb at that point, I had to be led everywhere. I was admitted straight into the ultrasound room to assure that everything was in order. Waiting on the doctor to arrive was painful. He finally entered the room, looking grim, and confirmed that, indeed, it was a miscarriage, and the tissue we brought in was my unborn child. He was very considerate with his words and condolences. He left the room at that point, I assumed so he could prepare my discharge papers. I turned to my mother and I remember a realization came over me at that point. This was my biggest test. I had a choice to continue in my anger at God, or accept my situation and serve Him, love Him, depend on Him for my future. I began to pray, out loud, repenting for my doubt, and confessing my love and dependence on Him. My mom began to weep beside me, and we just held each other for a while, mourning the loss of something so precious. After several moments, there was a knock on the door, and it was pushed open. The doctor entered the room at that point. There was a huge smile on his face, and I was taken aback. It seemed very inappropriate at the time. He stood for a moment, took a deep breath, and said...."I took a look at the ultrasound, and I just wanted you to know that there is a healthy, ten week old baby still there. Apparently this pregnancy started as twins. Congratulations, you are still a going to be a mother." I was speechless. My mom jumped up, and in a moment of sheer joy,she yelled, "It's a miracle!". I delivered Rachel Marica Grace on March 11, 2009, a healthy and happy girl. God was faithful to me even when I was at my worst. He gives life, and He takes it away. Make no mistake, everything is done for a purpose, and it is not to tear you down, it is to build you up. He wants you to know that you can trust Him, and that He will never leave you hopeless.