For I know the thoughts I have toward you...

So now I am a married woman. How quickly things turned around for me. In a six month period of time, I went from thinking that I had totally blown any future for myself, to having a chance to remake my life according to His plans and purpose. I was in a dream world, and so anxious to share the love and acceptance I had recently found. After prayer and a good meal, we would head to the streets. Every one we came across would hear our testimony. We were overly zealous, and without apology for it. I long for those days again...not ashamed of the gospel, or concerned about offending anyone. You could not tell me not to pray in public, say the name of Jesus, or share my thoughts and revelations from the scripture. My big black bible went everywhere with me. Instead of laying on the shelf gathering dust, it was being read, memorized, and basically devoured on a daily basis. All night prayers on Friday nights, city park outreaches on Saturdays, and a day full of worship and fellowship on Sunday mornings. These were the days that I was so in love. First with my Savior, then with my new husband, my cup was definitely running over. There were times, despite all this that were very unpleasant. I still struggled with my flesh. It was a time in my life that temptation was everywhere and it was strong. The hardest thing by far for me to overcome was smoking cigarettes. A filthy habit, and terrible for my health, I still loved it, and it was the hardest thing for me to come to the place where I had to stop. I had become a 'closet smoker'. Chewing gum, washing my hands, and lots of perfume...It was so hard to hide from everyone. My God knew, though, every time I would light it up. Sometimes I would smoke with tears rolling down my face, knowing that I would never be an effective witness of His power if I continued this behavior. I was always looking over my shoulder, fully expecting to see someone I knew. I was also still struggling with bitterness toward the parent who let me down in every way, unforgiveness for those who I felt had wronged me, and anger at the time I had wasted in my life. I was far from perfect, not even close to maturity, and still haunted by the dark secrets of my past. I died daily to my mind and my flesh, and I moved on in the Spirit when I let Him lead me. I learned very quickly that way, that He was never going to leave me drowning in my sin again. At this point, I was His and He was mine. It was unconditional. Whenever I found myself drowning in my sin, His grace would be there to keep me from going under and losing my grip on Him. Such a great time of growth and understanding! I was more sure everyday that He was going to use us in a mighty way. I didn't realize that there would be so much struggle, heartache, and complete despair to come.