...suffer not the children to come unto me...

Motherhood. I feel far from an expert in this area because I seem to fail at being what I want to be for my kids. It has been a struggle for me since the beginning of my journey. On the Mother's day before my first child was conceived, I remember crying at the alter at church. Newlywed, and now, only two months in, begging God for a child of my own. I remember the message that morning was from 1 Samuel 1, the story of Hannah. I identified with her for some reason, and I felt so ready, feeling that if God would just bless me with a child, I would dedicate it to His service. This was the prayer I prayed that day. I put myself in Hannah's shoes. I remember crying and moaning that morning at the alter, and then walking away with peace. A little over a year later my daughter was born. I was so overwhelmed at that point with a sense of responsibility. My life was still a train wreck, as far as a christian walk goes, and I was not what you would call 'mommy material'. I spent my whole youth wrapped up in simple pleasures. I never considered the fact that I would one day grow up, have children, and be responsible for running a household. Where was I when other girls were learning to cook, clean, sew, iron, launder clothes, and change diapers? I cut that class in life. I was running the streets, a heathen child with no discipline or direction. I found myself totally unprepared when Hannah came. The only thing I knew was that I had asked God for her, and now I was responsible for the vow I had made to Him. Oh she was so precious, though. So tiny and helpless, I began to feel completely inadequate. God had to remind me daily of my vow. I became more and more disciplined, so that one day she could be all that He called her to be. I taught her everything I knew about being a christian. I became more proficient at housework(although I still don't sew, or iron for that matter), to the point that I could keep the house clean and have dinner cooked by the time my husband got off of work. Our life with her was working out great, and we were getting off on the right foot, or so it seemed. Enter baby number two. My son had arrived. Just an absolute joy. He wasn't fussy or disagreeable, he just fell right in to our family as if he was always there. I was a little overwhelmed with two, but I got the hang of it...Why not go for three? Another boy, and more joy. Everyone was getting along, and life was good. Of course it wasn't perfect, and my lack of home economics was beginning to show more and more. That could be overlooked, however, and we went about our days living for God, and teaching the children His ways. Baby number four...a girl. All the children had been wanted, prayed for, and God had sent them from heaven healthy, smart, and well behaved. Had it been any other way, He knew we would have been in completely over our heads. So here I am, a mother of four, and needless to say, it has been a long and difficult twelve years. The more the family has grown, the more stretched I am, and the more there is to do. I want to say that I have it all under control, that my bathrooms are sparkling, and the laundry is always neatly folded and put away. That is just not the case here. I want to say that we bake together every afternoon, and never miss a family night of board games. I want to say those things, but the truth of it is, I AM NOT A PERFECT MOTHER. There I said it. My house is always only 60% clean, I yell(a lot), and I do not have time for myself. All this is part of motherhood. I am stressed out, tired, I haven't had a manicure in years. My iron is low, my energy is almost nonexistent, and sleep is the only rest I get. All that being said, I wouldn't trade one child, or one moment with them. They are my everything, and I have resigned my life to my vow. Lord, they will know You through me. I will make sure your word is hidden in their hearts. I will teach them your ways, and I will keep them on your path as long as I possibly can. I know you will keep them after that, and I trust You, Lord, just as you first trusted me with them. Thank you for the blessing of motherhood. It has been my most fulfilling gift so far.

...but have everlasting life....

Now that you know too much about me, I am confident that I have established a certain amount of trust. I have bared some of my most secret life events with you. They have certainly not been glamorous, or worthy of any type of praise. The purpose of this blog has always been to inspire you, and to show you that even though you may feel worthless, God can still use you. If you have addictions, God can deliver you. If you are sick, God can heal you. He is interested in you, and He loves you where you are. The biggest mistake you can make in deciding on salvation, is that you need to clean yourself up first. God wants to bathe your life in His love. He wants to wash you and cleanse you with the Word, the Blood, and His Grace. These are the life changing elements that make a difference. As your life is filled with these things, the result is that you will have power over sin to overcome it. Instead of submitting to temptation, the Spirit inside you will shine the light of the Truth on the temptation, and guide you through it. At first, I assure you, it will be difficult. You may fail over and over, but if you stay close to the One who saved you, He will always stay by your side, pick you up, dust you off(again), and continue with you on your journey. Today is the day to make a choice. We all come to this place at least once in life. The choice is this...will I continue in a life that is going nowhere, without a purpose of any real future? Or will I make the choice to accept the gift of salvation, and begin my journey towards eternal life. Make no mistake, it will feel like the end of freedom for a moment, but I assure you, you will be absolutely set free from guilt and condemnation. You will be free from the bondage of sin. You will be free from any shame you may carry. It is the best decision I have ever made, and I hope, if you are reading this, it will be one that you make. God is longing to have a relationship with you. He wants you to come home and fellowship with Him, get to know Him, or to restore your relationship with Him. Won't you give it consideration? He will forever change who you are, just as I am no where near the person you have heard me describe in this blog. I have been transformed, like a butterfly. Now, instead of being restricted to crawling around on my belly, only able to see what is in front of me, I can soar above the problems and look ahead to my future, and my hope.

...the valley of the shadow of death....

I can recall certain times in my youth when I was literally in danger of losing my life. Besides all the times I could have overdosed on too many drugs at once, I have certainly been in some times where I didn't think I would necessarily come out of these situations okay, or sometimes even alive. I can't quite say whether it was just poor judgement on my part at the time, or that I was intentionally trying to be contrary and shocking. It was more than likely a combination of both. At this point in my life, I just needed people to see me. It was like I was screaming, "I AM HERE!". I needed for someone to recognize that I was not just a drug buddy, a warm body for the night, or a ride to the next party spot. I was a young girl inside, hurting and vulnerable. I was a flower with nowhere to bloom. All the wrong choices I had made in life led me to all the wrong places in life. In this post,are some of the examples of where I actually found myself. One night, in a particularly dangerous part of Memphis, I was driving to a friend's house around midnight. If you ask me why so late, my best guess is I needed a place to sleep. I stopped at a convenient store to use the payphone. As I got out of my car, I left it running. A van was parked between my car and the payphone. I used the phone to call my friend, and as I was headed around that van, I was stopped by a group of older guys who wanted to talk. Being who I was then, I spent some time in conversation with them, realized their intentions were not good, and excused myself. I proceeded around the van to my car, but it was not there. The guys had been a distraction so that one of their friends could steal my car! I was seventeen or so, in the worst part of a dangerous city, staring the guys in the face that had just stolen my car. Was I scared? Hmmmm...well, YES! I tried to get back on the phone to call the police, but the guys weren't letting me. They followed me into the store, where the clerk wouldn't even call the police. I was forced to start walking. I was so frightened, but I didn't show it. I was acting defiant, and angry, trying to show them that they couldn't get under my skin. Stupid, really. I was walking toward the state line with this van full of guys who had just stolen my car riding beside me. No one would have known if they would have grabbed me and put me into their van. I would not be where I am today. I would be on a missing persons poster, or in a grave somewhere. Obviously, there are bigger plans for my life. Then there was a time, once more, in a worse part of Memphis, out late, wasted, and looking for my next fix. I stopped at a convenience store for a drink, and an SUV stops on my way out. One person in the vehicle wants my phone number. No, I politely say, not interested, right? I begin heading to my car and I hear something I have only ever heard in movies. It is the sound of a gun being cocked. As I look back, the driver is pointing a pistol at me. I run to my car, and with shaking hands, I manage to unlock the door and jump in. Sitting there, crying , I cannot leave the parking lot. The SUV had pulled behind me, blocked me in, and the people inside are yelling at me and waving the gun. I just closed my eyes, and as the tears streamed down my face, I waited to be shot. I didn't know how to pray. After what seemed like the longest minutes of my life, they slowly drove away. Needless to say, I got out of town that night, and quick! One more example of my stupidity, and God's divine intervention, and then that will be all. I had been drinking one night, a lot. So much that I was just in a daze...a fog. I get behind the wheel of my car and go for a joyride, I guess. I don't really know. All I can remember was that I was at a red light. Guess where? Yup, a terrible part of town. That's where all the drugs were. Remember, an open book, warts and all! So, there I sit, at the red light, and all the sudden there is a woman at my car window, with a club in her hands( the kind you used to lock your steering wheels with). She is screaming at me . I come out of my drunken fog to realize that I have almost hit her car, with her three children inside of it. According to her, I was speeding, and swerving all over the road. Without warning, she hits me in the face with that club, knocking me out cold. I wake up to my passenger shaking me and telling me to go, the light is green, and to hurry before the police come. I go, and spend the rest of the night in shock. Three of my front teeth were broken. What was I going to tell my mother? All of these stories to show you that Love covers a multitude of sins. No matter where I was or what I kind of trouble I was causing, God was with me, protecting his precious child. He was chasing after me, trying to show me that He held my world in His hands. I spent so much time in situations similar to these, that I had no chance of seeing Him. I needed to be at the bottom in order for Him to pull me out of that pit. Pull me out He did, and now I want everyone reading this to know, that if you find yourself with a sinful past, or in a sinful present, Without the Lord, you with most certainly have a sinful future. The Bible says, "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life, through Jesus Christ our Lord. God wants you to trust and believe that He gave his only Son for our redemption from sin. Now I know, with an assurance, that I have a home in heaven. This is in spite of my past, and also in spite of my present. Do I still sin? Of course. EVERYDAY! I still struggle with sin, but now, I don't sit in guilt and continue in my sin. I confess it to my forgiving father, and I move on. It is the way of the christian life. I am a Christian now, and I am not perfect. No one is. I am saved, however, and it is a gift I cherish every day. Thank you Lord, for saving me from myself.

...He gives, and He takes away....

Heartbreak. I thought as a teenager I experienced it over and over. I could sit and wail and cry for hours over broken promises and rejection. I was really wasting my time and my tears. I have only really experienced it on that level once in my life. I was living in Meridian, MS, and loving my life. Being newly pregnant with number four, and homeschooling my other three, my life was very nice. We still struggled a lot, but contentment can really drown that pain out.On this particular day, I set out to pick up my car at the shop, and as I returned home, gathered the children, and rushed to the restroom. I have thought about how I can soften the the things I am about to share, but I can't, so, let me warn you, this will be candid and graphic(this is for the purpose of sharing my emotions, so please bear with me). I barely have time to sit on the toilet, when something is literally forced from my body. It was nothing like I had ever felt before, and as I looked down, I saw the bloodstains. I stood up, and almost as if in slow motion, I turned and stared at the toilet in horror. It was soaked in blood. It was everywhere. My knees became weak, my face crumbled, and I just began to scream. I was literally a madwoman. My other children were outside the bathroom door. I could hear them in the distance calling me, trying to get in, crying out of fear. I don't know how long I was there on the floor, but I remember my anger. I took the entire situation and placed the blame squarely on God. I was screaming at Him about the child. I WANTED THIS!!!, WHY WAS IT TAKEN FROM ME!?!, DID YOU EVER CONSIDER MY FEELINGS!?! These were things that I was actually voicing in all my emotion. After almost an hour, I was empty, a shell of a woman. My children were now all seated outside the door, not knowing what had happened, or how to help their mom. I quietly asked for my phone, and it was slid under the door for me. I called my husband, my brother, my mother. She came right away. I know that it was so hard for her, but she cleaned the mess, saved the tiny fetus, and put it in a plastic ziploc bag(again, I apologize for the graphic details). She called a friend of the family to watch the children, and led me to the car. On the drive to the hospital, I held the remains in disbelief, and was so numb at that point, I had to be led everywhere. I was admitted straight into the ultrasound room to assure that everything was in order. Waiting on the doctor to arrive was painful. He finally entered the room, looking grim, and confirmed that, indeed, it was a miscarriage, and the tissue we brought in was my unborn child. He was very considerate with his words and condolences. He left the room at that point, I assumed so he could prepare my discharge papers. I turned to my mother and I remember a realization came over me at that point. This was my biggest test. I had a choice to continue in my anger at God, or accept my situation and serve Him, love Him, depend on Him for my future. I began to pray, out loud, repenting for my doubt, and confessing my love and dependence on Him. My mom began to weep beside me, and we just held each other for a while, mourning the loss of something so precious. After several moments, there was a knock on the door, and it was pushed open. The doctor entered the room at that point. There was a huge smile on his face, and I was taken aback. It seemed very inappropriate at the time. He stood for a moment, took a deep breath, and said...."I took a look at the ultrasound, and I just wanted you to know that there is a healthy, ten week old baby still there. Apparently this pregnancy started as twins. Congratulations, you are still a going to be a mother." I was speechless. My mom jumped up, and in a moment of sheer joy,she yelled, "It's a miracle!". I delivered Rachel Marica Grace on March 11, 2009, a healthy and happy girl. God was faithful to me even when I was at my worst. He gives life, and He takes it away. Make no mistake, everything is done for a purpose, and it is not to tear you down, it is to build you up. He wants you to know that you can trust Him, and that He will never leave you hopeless.

I have not yet seen the righteous forsaken....

Fast forward. It is now the just over thirteen years after I gave my life to Him that day. The life that I have now is not what any girl in this great country sits and dreams about as her fairy tale. Some people reading this post may take this to be me complaining and not content. This is just not the case. I am going to be an open book. There is no way I can compel others to Christ if I try to be something or someone that I am not. So, here goes.... I am now a mother of four. I am still married to the same man, and life has been a constant financial struggle for us. I am by definition a stay at home mom, however, I have occasionally had to work to make ends meet. When we married, there was not much future planning involved, we were not educated in anything except surviving in the streets, and after one year of marriage, the children began to come, 1, 2, 3, and 4. Two boys and two girls ages 3 to 12. This is a daunting task, especially considering the meager living we manage to squeak out. An unfortunate result of being uneducated, for a man to make any money, he has to break his back everyday to provide. It is that fact that prompts me to respect my husband in a profound way. He has given his sweat and blood for us sometimes working many hours overtime to provide us a home, clothes, and transportation. Just for full disclosure, we raise our children on less than $30,000 a year. This is the life we live now. All of this is to show that God is good! He is always on time for us, and we are never in any real lack. Our children are not caught up with material goods, although I know that they want these things, they are very understanding when we tell them that we are sorry. This is just not the family that we are. They sometimes wonder why they can't ride in new cars, (ours is nearly 22 years old), or why they don't get new clothes, (I'm not sure how they would react if taken to a mall), or why eating at a restaurant without a dollar menu is completely off the radar(to sit and be served is about a twice a year treat for us). Haircuts are performed at home, and only the very basics of everything else is provided for them. This is not a source of happiness in my life, however. I want my children to have everything that they desire. It is very painful for me to say no to them, sometimes a source of sorrow. This situation we find ourselves in are consequences of our own actions and choices. If this is the result of my past corrupt and foul living, I accept it. As I said before, I want to be an open book. It is refreshing to be honest about who I am. I am not ashamed. I am a child of the King, and He provides for us in ways that are quite amazing. I am actually grateful that we have been spared the shackles of always wanting the next new gadget, the next new car, or the latest fashions. Most of the time we tithe to our local church, although this is a struggle for us to be super faithful, we give on a regular basis, and with joy. To give out of sacrifice and not abundance is a blessing. It makes us all grateful for what we have, and not complaining about what we don't. All this financial talk.... it's one of the main sources of my stress. I still wonder how, and when the provisions will come, but come they do. It has caused me to depend on the Lord for my everything in my life, relying on His time and not my own. I still believe that we are in the wilderness of our christian life, having not entered the promised land. God has more for us. He is strengthening us through these times of struggle, and causing us to look for His hand to provide, and not man's. We do what we can, and if we can't, we don't. In all, our family now is happy, healthy, and content. We may not be able to keep up with the Jones', but we have abundant treasures stored up in heaven. This will last for eternity. So this is where I am now. I am under extreme pressure, and I have been for years. I know, with a certainty, that God is using these circumstances to mature me, and to prepare me for what He has planned for my future. So I will press on to the mark, no matter what obstacles I may face, I still have the promise of my salvation, and the everlasting peace of knowing that I have eternity to look forward to in the presence of the God who has been so faithful.

...to give you a future and a hope...

The Lord has been so faithful in my life. I would like to invite you to share your comments on this blog. He is doing something new in me and I am praying for good council and direction. He has called me to influence and reach as many people as I can with my testimony. My hopes are that He will open doors around the community where I can share this testimony, such as schools, community events, anywhere that my life might make a difference. If you have been following this post, you know pretty much where I came from, but not quite where I am now. I guess today I am asking for input on how this blog has affected you, and anything you may be interested in reading in the future. Are there things you struggle with? I can pray with you. Feel free to comment. I will answer every one. God bless you, and thank you for the time you take to look into my heart.

For I know the thoughts I have toward you...

So now I am a married woman. How quickly things turned around for me. In a six month period of time, I went from thinking that I had totally blown any future for myself, to having a chance to remake my life according to His plans and purpose. I was in a dream world, and so anxious to share the love and acceptance I had recently found. After prayer and a good meal, we would head to the streets. Every one we came across would hear our testimony. We were overly zealous, and without apology for it. I long for those days again...not ashamed of the gospel, or concerned about offending anyone. You could not tell me not to pray in public, say the name of Jesus, or share my thoughts and revelations from the scripture. My big black bible went everywhere with me. Instead of laying on the shelf gathering dust, it was being read, memorized, and basically devoured on a daily basis. All night prayers on Friday nights, city park outreaches on Saturdays, and a day full of worship and fellowship on Sunday mornings. These were the days that I was so in love. First with my Savior, then with my new husband, my cup was definitely running over. There were times, despite all this that were very unpleasant. I still struggled with my flesh. It was a time in my life that temptation was everywhere and it was strong. The hardest thing by far for me to overcome was smoking cigarettes. A filthy habit, and terrible for my health, I still loved it, and it was the hardest thing for me to come to the place where I had to stop. I had become a 'closet smoker'. Chewing gum, washing my hands, and lots of perfume...It was so hard to hide from everyone. My God knew, though, every time I would light it up. Sometimes I would smoke with tears rolling down my face, knowing that I would never be an effective witness of His power if I continued this behavior. I was always looking over my shoulder, fully expecting to see someone I knew. I was also still struggling with bitterness toward the parent who let me down in every way, unforgiveness for those who I felt had wronged me, and anger at the time I had wasted in my life. I was far from perfect, not even close to maturity, and still haunted by the dark secrets of my past. I died daily to my mind and my flesh, and I moved on in the Spirit when I let Him lead me. I learned very quickly that way, that He was never going to leave me drowning in my sin again. At this point, I was His and He was mine. It was unconditional. Whenever I found myself drowning in my sin, His grace would be there to keep me from going under and losing my grip on Him. Such a great time of growth and understanding! I was more sure everyday that He was going to use us in a mighty way. I didn't realize that there would be so much struggle, heartache, and complete despair to come.

...the two shall become one...

As the Lord began dealing with us about our relationship, we began to realize that in order to be an effective witness for the Gospel, then we had to line up with the word. Newsflash! We were living together, and the stress of trying to stay pure and resist our love for one another were always coming up in our walk with the Lord. It was finally called to our attention by our brutally honest pastor...at the alter call. I believe it was, and I quote...'No more funny business, you two!' At that point it was understood by both of us that we either had to live separately, or get married. That was a Sunday morning...the following Thursday, we were in the pastor's office, with our marriage license in hand, and two witnesses. As we took our vows inside that tiny office in the back of the church, we knew that God was doing something in our lives that was special. It was going to be a great adventure. 'Do you have the rings?' Who could afford rings? We looked around and settled on the two black ponytail holders I had in my hair. I was nineteen years old, still wearing pigtails! With the license signed, sealed, and delivered, it was official. I was a married woman. I cannot remember with any certainty how we celebrated that night, but in those days our nights consisted of riding around the city, picking a neighborhood or a park, and walking the streets seeking the lost. The drive that the Lord had put in both our hearts to see other lives changed was strong. At the lord's leading, we would scour the streets, looking for any opportunity to say, 'Got Jesus?'...'Where will you be spending eternity?'...'Can we pray with you?'...'Would you like to accept Christ as your savior?' These were the most fulfilling days in my walk. I was growing, exercising my faith, and seeing the fruit of it occasionally. We began to read more, and pray more, and grow more in our life together. We quickly realized that this was all His Plan for us, and that we could trust Him to guide us. We didn't need any worldly thing we could gain on this earth, He was enough for us.

The Lord is my shepherd...

I'm not sure what I expected after that. I had heard stories of supernatural transformations where there were no more temptations, no more failures, no more struggles...only success in the walk with Christ. No turning back, no turning back. I wish I could say that's how my story goes. It would be less painful to tell. The fact is, although I got up that day free from my guilt and shame, washed and redeemed by the blood of the Lamb, it didn't take long for me to look back. I was as faithless as Lot's wife. I basically thought, okay, that settles my eternity, now I can get back to my reality. I tried. I really did. I tried to get high, I tried to speak the same vile language I had perfected over the years, I tried to pretend that nothing in my life had to change. I could still hang out at the bars, drink myself into a trance, and live my life the way I always had. This was just not possible anymore. Something inside me had changed. Every time the old habits and behavior came up, so would that still, small voice. It would remind me that I was a new person, and that I was bought with a price. The drugs didn't get me high, I would sit and think...'This is just a lie, and it doesn't really satisfy me at all'. When I spoke profanity the voice would whisper, 'You are a lady'. Alcohol was making me sick, and I was not finding peace or joy. I was not the only one who took the journey to the alter that day. The man that I had met made a commitment that day, too. Now we were both haunted by the same Holy Spirit, and He was around every corner, revealing our continuous sin, and bringing us back to our knees, weeping and repenting, sometimes together, sometimes apart...sometimes even for each other. We would read the Word, pray together, and share our faith with others from places we knew. Our faith, as we exercised it, began to grow. The wonderful thing is that as we were developing our relationship with each other, He was developing a relationship with us individually, and that, was the best high of all.

...that He gave his only begotten Son...

Pride. The main reason most people don't respond to the gospel. That's what I believe. No one wants to admit that they are not the rulers of the their own life. The fact of the matter is that there is a creator. There is a God that is in control of this world, and everything in it. I came to that realization that morning. In that little church on the south side of town, I was dealing with my pride. I DID NOT want to walk from my seat and respond to this new realization. I was a sinner. I was on my way to hell. I was hopelessly lost in a world that sooner kill me than help me see any success. This wayward youth was broken, and at the end of all I had known up until that day. The next few moments were so surreal. Overcoming my pride, I stepped out from my seat. My head hung in shame for all that I had done. All of the sins that had burdened me were weighing down my journey to the alter. Every step was marked with sorrow. Sorrow for the life I had wasted. Sorrow for the lives I had effected, my family and friends. Sorrow for the Life that was sacrificed for me. With each step, guilt and condemnation was multiplied. I somehow found myself at the front of that small church, unaware of how exactly. It was so shocking to my system. I knew that I was being pulled by some unseen force, or called by an unheard voice, compelled to accept myself for what I had become. This was a complete shock to my system. My heart was black with sin, my mind was filled with filth, and my soul was a trophy for one who wanted to see me in hell. Falling to my knees, the tears began flowing freely. Overwhelmed by the enormity of the charges I was facing, I knew I was about to be severely dealt with. Instead, I was gently led in a prayer that was simple. I did believe, I accepted the fact that He sacrificed His life for my ransom. I confessed then, for the first time, my sins to my creator. I let go of all my guilt, and my hate, and my shame. All of these burdens were now lifted, and I sensed them being scattered and forgotten. Forgiveness began to flow freely into their place. I was finally free and alive!

For God so loved...

As we found seats in this small church on the southside of town, I was convinced that I was in the wrong place. Looking back, though, I can see that it was only my sin telling me this. It was the rationale I had had been listening to my whole life. Don't conform to order, you make your own choices, no one can make you change who you want to be.I was convinced that there was some sort of agenda going on to make me change who I thought I was. Needless to say, I sat in that seat squirming through every worship song. Why was everyone getting so emotional? This was all too weird to me. Hands were raised, women were weeping, and even some men. This was absolutely not the southern baptist church I went to occasionally as a child. These people would have been pinched by my grandma for sure! Nevertheless, I managed to make it through long enough to listen to the message. When the pastor began to speak, I was immediately captivated. Every single word was like a mirror to my heart...how dark it was, how hard it was, and also how empty it was. He spoke compassionately of the lost, as if he understood exactly how they felt. He spoke of hope for the helpless, and an everlasting love that would never fade. Lost? Helpless? Looking for love? How could this man know? Why would he care enough to share this? I sat, stunned as my eyes filled with tears, my head hung with shame, as he began to speak also of a sacrifice. It was a familiar story for me. Of course...here it is. Everyone has heard of Jesus, and the claim that through Him, His only son, God reconciled the world to Him. The message was one that I had heard before. This time, however, I was the reason this blameless sacrifice was made. I was the one He was the one He was looking for, I was the one He was trying to reach.

...Christ died for us....

There I was...lonely, rejected, lost. I had pushed everyone that loved me away with my selfish desires and my shameful behavior. Could I blame them? When others tried to help me or offer sound advice, I took it as judgement or criticism. I was blind to the truth of what I had become. My only thought was to run. I had to run away and remake myself...I had to run from the addictions that plagued my every thought....I had to run away from the fear that my future was fast becoming my present. So I did.

I found myself all the way across the country, getting off a bus, to stay with the alcoholic parent I never really knew or trusted. It was the only place left to go, and it was not a good place for recovering. In a small travel trailer in the poorest part of town, I began a new journey. I was determined to remake who I was and be some thing new. I started a program at a local Job Corps, and it was eye opening. For the first time in years I was sober, in my right mind, and able to finally excel. I received my GED with the second highest score on record there, and that was the confidence boost I needed. People looked at me with respect, and I was able to focus on getting better.

Still, there was a great void. I couldn't see any future for me, and the realization that I was still missing something profound was nagging at me. One day, out of the blue, I was on the city bus, headed home, when I met a man that was interested in me for more than just what he could get from me. As we spent more time together, he showed me what the real meaning of being loved by someone was. It was special, and I knew that we would never be able to live without each other.

It soon became apparent, however, that the same addictions chased after us both, and eventually they caught up. Soon, I was using again...with him. That old, familiar hopelessness began to set in again. Was this cycle ever going to end for me? I loved this man, felt like I couldn't live without him, but we were cut from the same mold, and we could never break that mold if something didn't change, and it had to be soon. We were in a downward, destructive, spiral, and the bottom wasn't far away.

A knock on the door, our drug induced haze interrupted, and Hope was on the other side. "Until you surrender your life to Him, nothing you do will prosper." That one statement from a person who cared enough to look for us, following the Spirit, and speak truth and life into our darkness. Would we attend a local church? Sure. What could it hurt?

As I stepped off the bus that Sunday morning, dressed inappropriately in my revealing clothes and still high from the night before, I was aware of an uncomfortable nagging feeling that if I walked into the doors of that church, my life would forever be changed. I was not quite sure that I wanted this change. I didn't know much of anything about God, but I knew He was real, and alive, and that I was the absolute last person in the world that He wanted to deal with.

...while we were yet sinners....

As a child, I am not quite sure what I expected for my life to become. It has all become such a blur, it has passed so quickly. There are a few memories I can pull out from my past, but the sad part is that I was so ignorant of the fact that we were poor, and that my home was quite dysfunctional. The vivid memories I do have were marked by some gross abuse, and a cloud of tragedy that had hung over my family starting in the first year of my life.

My parents tried to stay together, to work through what, for one of them was slowly eating away all sense of purpose. This problem soon had a name I would come to despise...alcoholism. As it grew and grew, the fact that my parents were not happy together became more apparent. There was no time for me, or my siblings, there was only time for work and alcohol. Work for one parent, and alcohol for the other.

So, I was left to my own devices, never really trained up in the ways of anything, taught and influenced by my peers. Many of them were in worse situations and homes than I was, so we were all blind with no leadership or guidance. This is not to disparage my one responsible parent, who did everything to provide as an eventually single parent of three. There was no time for raising us, when several jobs were required to just feed us.

My early teen years were perhaps my happiest. Good friends, freedom, and a purity of youth all stand out as memories then. I was not a child who was devoted to anything, although I could have excelled at much. The potential was definitely there to be a dancer, an athlete, a scholar, an artist. I never had the drive or determination to push my self in any of those areas. So, I faded into the average, no different from most of the other children.

When I began to face choices in life that were all my own, not much thought was given to consequences. Everything was okay when there was no one there watching or guiding. There was not any sense of right or wrong, just the pleasure of knowing I was in control of what I said, what I did, and where I went. This, of course led me down a wide path of self-destruction. I was left to my own devices, and it put me right in the middle of a horrible place.

By the time I was 17, I was drug addicted. There was not anything I would not do to get my next fix. My days were filled chasing after a high that was always satisfying but never lasting. It was always deceiving me into believing that this was best life, that my friends were loyal till the end, and that it could be stopped if I ever grew weary of the game.

The situations I placed myself and others in to achieve my highs are so shameful to me that I cannot discuss them. No one knows about most of the nights I spent alone, desperate, looking for love, affection, and the next chance to lose myself in a drug induced haze. My honesty may be shocking to some people in my life now, but if I don't tell my story, who will? No one knows it like I do.

By the time I came to my senses about what I had become, the damage had been done. Relationships destroyed, friendships lost, and no hope for my future. I had dropped out of school, was homeless, and couldn't hold down a job to support myself. I had not developed any life skills that would  benefit me in any way. I did not know how to manage money, work hard, or dedicate myself to any sort of discipline. I was a total and complete loser in the game of life.

there was the Word.

So, most everyone who knows me knows that I am in the process of publishing my first book. It is a children's book, and I am almost too excited to stand the thought that in less than three months, I will hold a copy in my hand, read and share with the children I love to serve, and be able to say, I am an author.

I find myself, however, extremely intimidated by other authors. I hesitate to throw my name into the mix, and I am not looking forward to shamelessly making plugs and pleading for you to buy my book. I wish that part of the process could be avoided. In order for me to be a success, however, I am convinced it must be done.

That being said, I do hope my book sells well, and that the series of books I dream it to be will come become something bigger than I can even imagine or hope for. I know that I have the potential for great things, but somehow I feel I lack the confidence to be sure of myself.

I choose, therefore, to give this entire process and it's outcome to the Lord, as I do with every other thing that is of any importance in my life.I know under His watchful care that it will become what He wants it to be for me, and whatever that is, it will be enough. I will be content.

In the beginning...

I figured that it was time for me to start doing what I love as much as I can. That would be sharing my thoughts and opinions in order to influence, inspire, and include others with the same values I hold dear. So... this is the beginning of my new adventure....better late than never.
I pray that everyone who visits this blog will see through the outside of me and into my heart.